Step 279 I must experience my freedom to realize it.

Committing an Indiscretion:

True freedom lies in Knowledge and is freedom from my personal mind’s chaos, fear, desire and insecurities which are based in separation. And a separated mind is a fearful mind. It is not free. My tendency toward indiscretion is sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly moving into my awareness for consideration and resolution. It can be an uncomfortable process. When I become aware of this tendency that is based on weakness I sometimes feel embarrassed and want to hide from it. If I have committed an indiscretion – shared too much – I want to take it back so others will not see my error.

In chapter 7 of Wisdom from the Greater Community Volume II titled “Discretion” it asks…

“Can you recall a time when you said something and then regretted saying it? Can you recall a time when you said something to someone and then realized that it was the wrong thing to say? Perhaps it was wrong for them or it revealed too much about you.”

I recently committed the “revealed too much about you” error. After this occurred, which I can not take back, I felt really uncomfortable. I had to face this discomfort. I did not feel strong or free. I felt confused and wanted to validate my action in some way but as I looked at this honestly I knew I could not. That information is now out there. It was a painful lesson. Clearly I am in the process of change, growth and unlearning and this process is not an easy one. It requires a greater honesty from me than I have practiced in the past.

Step 279 of Steps to Knowledge says, “To have genuine stability in the world, you must identify with Knowledge and allow Knowledge to demonstrate its power, its efficacy and its benevolence within the world.” I must experience this stability and freedom to realize it. It goes on to say, “Do not let fear or ambivalence dominate you this day. You are practicing freedom and exercising it, for you can only be free when you are still inside, and if you are still inside you are free already.”

When I committed this indiscretion I was clearly not still. What was I trying to accomplish by sharing this personal information? What was my motivation? In the chapter “Discretion” it reveals part of the motivation, “…your desire to communicate is more a desire to release energy and to unburden yourself than it is to effectively change or impact others. …The wise person must use discretion at all times.” So, inherently it is a selfish act and it is not wise. It does not help another, it weakens me and it made me very uncomfortable.

Part of the process of becoming free is feeling the sting of my mistakes enough so that I do not repeat them again. I must experience this fully. I cannot emotionally afford to make these mistakes. The cost is very high. I feel it very acutely. This is the reckoning that is required to gain freedom. True freedom comes with abiding with Knowledge. Knowledge does not need to express itself recklessly. It is still and certain. It does not need reassurance, validation, attention or recognition. It is whole and complete. I must learn to connect with my deeper mind – Knowledge – and gain stability within my personal mind. It is way too uncomfortable not to and it does not serve.

I must experience my freedom to realize it.